"The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug."

Do you know what I've realized? I've realized that this world is a selfish, selfish world. I've realized that we live in our comfortable homes while there are men fighting a war, risking their lives each and every single day. Who are we to complain? Really, who are we?

For the past who knows how long I've been pitying myself, wishing that I had more than what I have at this current point in time. But why? I have everything I need. Maybe not everything I want, but everything I need. We don't always get what we want when we want it. That's just life. And I've come to realize that although it's worked like that for me in the past, it won't always be that way. Especially now that I'm getting older. I'm the most impatient person I know. I guess we're all programmed to think that things should work a certain way. The world we live in tells us that we can have what we want at the very precise moment that we desire it. Which in a way, is true. If something doesn't happen the way we want it to, if that guy in front of you in line in the grocery store forgets that he needed milk, you get pissed. Because it's not fast enough for you. If that person driving in front of you is going 2 miles an hour under what's acceptable for you, you get pissed. But the thing is, things never turn out the way we think it will when we try to rush through things. You get angry, so you find a different line in the grocery store and end up stuck behind someone who's credit card doesn't work right. You get angry, so you get out from behind that person who's not going fast enough and crash into the car in front of you. There's a reason they tell us that patience is a virtue.

It makes me sick when I think about the terrible world we live in. Granted, I love everything that God has created. But I hate what satan has done to His beautiful work, His beautiful people. I hate that we can't take a step back and look at everything we do have. Instead we look at everything we don't have and we only want more. What about the people who have nothing? Do we ever stop to imagine what it would be like not to be able to sleep in your own bed? Do we ever stop to think how it might feel to have to sleep in a small hut and not a real house? No, we don't.

What kind of world do we live in?

A sad one.

I cried when I was born and every day shows why.

"There are only two things that pierce the human heart, wrote Simon Weil. One is beauty. The other is affliction. And while we wish there were only beauty in the world, each of us has known enough pain to raise serious doubts about the universe we live in. From very early in life we know another message, warning us that the Romance has an enemy. The psalmist speaks of this enemy and tells us we need not fear it:

He will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day. (Ps. 91:3-5)

Yet we cannot deny that the Arrows have struck us all, sometimes arriving in the hail of projectiles that blocked out the sun, and other times descending in more subtle flight that only let us know we were wounded years later, when the wound festered and broke.

...At some point we all face the same decision--what will we do with the Arrows we've known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you've handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?

To say we all face a decision when we're pierced by an Arrow is misleading. It makes the process sound so rational, as though we have the option of coolly assessing the situation and choosing a logical response. Life isn't like that--the heart cannot be managed in a detached sort of way (certainly not when we are young, when some of the most defining Arrows strike). It feels more like an ambush and our response is at a gut level. We may never put words to it. Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul. Commitments form never to be in that position again, never to know that sort of pain again. The result is an approach to life that we often call our personality. If you'll listen carefully to your life, you may begin to see how it has been shaped by the unique Arrows you've known and the particular convictions you've embraced as a result."

-The Sacred Romance

He will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

To me this verse embodies the love that Christ has for us. He will fight our battles if we surrender to Him. He loves us enough to allow us to cast our cares upon Him. And that's exactly what I've been struggling with--surrendering to Him. When I read this verse all I see is God standing tall in front of me as a wave comes crashing down all around. I see Him hold out His hand in front of us and create a tunnel, so that not even a drop of water can touch my skin.

God placed us on this earth so that we could enjoy Him and everything that He has to offer us. He doesn't want us to live in pain, to fall under the pressure of life, or to even shed a tear. He wants us to bask in the glory that we as sinners don't deserve for even a second. Jesus wants to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).

But can you see where I stand in awe? Not only did our Savior give His life to give us an eternal place in heaven, but He still wants to give us more. As if His life wasn't enough!

The more I get into the Word, the more I understand the love of my Father. I could never ask for anything more. Thank you, Jesus.

twothousandand10

The start of 2010 has been absolutely wonderful. The perfect way to start out a new year. And I'm praying that this is foreshadowing of what's to come. 2009 was a rough year for me, but it gave me a hope and an understanding that I didn't have before.

I want this year to be different. I want it to be the path that leads me to where I need to be. Last year I went through a relationship that not only helped me realize how horribly wrong I was about many things, but it also helped me to finally see that I can't do anything on my own. It's also given me the strength to resist the temptations that I so easily fell for in the past. But God is the one who has given me that strength. He's the one who's blessed me with the life that I live. Trial is bound to come, but I know that through Him my life will be that much more joyful, even through hard times. This year is a year of new beginnings. Time is passing me by and I refuse to waste it.