Sometimes I feel like I'm a ship lost at sea. When the waters start to thrash and tear apart my ship, I lose my balance and I feel as if there's no way I'll ever beat the storm. When the water is calm, I have hope that I'll find my way home, back to where I started. But the stormy seas are far more pressing and discouraging than those moments of ease when the sun's encouragement reflects off the surface off the water. For years I've been wrestling inside of myself. I've been struggling to keep my head above water. I have depended on my flesh to save me from my pain for so long. Unfortunately, it has done nothing for me but cause me more pain and bitterness than I started with.
I wish I could say that my life has been easy. I wish I could say that I hadn't brought most of my trials upon myself. But I can't say that because then I would be lying.
The circumstances I was thrust into at birth were the circumstances that God placed me in, I know that. And I've come to accept it, no matter how painful they may be. From the moment I first had an inkling of what it meant to love and to be loved, I took off on an adventure to find it. I was saved at 9 because I knew that the only true love I'd ever find would be God's. I wanted (even at 9) to be with Him in heaven forever and to do whatever He asked of me. When I was little, I truly believed that my family was doomed for hell. And I don't know what made me believe that, but I remember that I would cry to God every night to save them. I think it mostly stemmed from reading the Left Behind books, but I was sincerely concerned for their eternal destination. I followed God wholeheartedly as a kid, all the way through middle school, and into the beginning of high school. I say the beginning of high school because my remaining years of high school were not only horrendous, but mostly a blur in my memory. To start with, I was quiet, reserved, and different from everyone else. People noticed I was different and called me perfect, told me they wished they could be as innocent as I was. And then I let myself get caught up in what everyone else was doing. I let myself think that true love could be found only through another human being. I believed that with all of my heart. I went from guy to guy to guy to guy...and the list goes on. I had never experienced so much pain in my life. I allowed myself to hurt and to be hurt more times than I can even begin to count. I think the majority of my pain came from knowing that I was saved and failing miserably at being an example to the world. It wasn't until I met Kyle that everything came together and then shattered into a million tiny, little pieces. He was controlling, cruel, vile, disgusting, everything I never wanted. Not only did I let him destroy the innocence I had worked so hard to preserve, but he opened up my eyes to a tragic story that had been unfolding right in front of my eyes since birth. I had never known anything different than what was right in front of me until Kyle. I became bitter towards my father because he was my father and not my daddy. He started to look a lot like Kyle, unfortunately. I remember in my earlier years of life he was great, but something happened somewhere along the way, and everything fell apart. I don't know when and I don't know why. But I do know that my flesh started longing for a daddy that would protect me, love me, call me sweetheart, tell me I was beautiful, make me feel like a princess, and take care of me through the hardest points in my life. I wanted it because I never had it. I fought all by myself through all those years. I cried out for help, but no one took the time to see it until it was already too late. And again, I know these situations were my own doing, but I guess I just wanted my dad to save me. Material things are great for a moment, but they don't replace real love. They don't replace anything but empty space. I wanted more than anything for him to just notice. But he didn't and for a long time I resented him for it. I resented both of my parents for it.
But the real point of all of this is to say that no one on earth will ever satisfy your needs. Tonight I read a verse in 2 Samuel 12:24. It says, "Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him." When I read that last line, I lost it. God loved him. God loves me. When I have the love of God, how could I possibly need the love of anyone else? Knowing that God has that kind of love for me makes me cry my eyes out each and every time I think about it. I can't tell you how many times I have lost my faith in God. I can't tell you how many times I have failed Him. But God loves us, despite our sinful nature. God is my daddy, he's the one who saved me from all those things I brought upon myself. I never needed to depend on my family or friends, I needed to depend on God. I needed His love.
Never again will I put my faith in the human race. My help comes from the Lord.
