blue.

You know how sometimes you pray a prayer in complete sincerity and then the prayer is actually answered? But the answer to that prayer is more painful than you could ever have imagined it to be?

I have never in my life felt the way that I feel at this moment in time. And right now I don't see myself ever being able to stand on my feet again. I'm listening to old songs that carry so many memories, memories I didn't even remember I had.

And I just can't breathe.
I can't do it alone.

But God is gracious. He really is. The only way I've made it through this day is because of Him. I think God allows certain things to happen sometimes because He knows that it will knock you down and force you to see what it is He has for you.

But that doesn't make it any less painful.

It just makes it tolerable.

If you read this, please pray for me. I need as many prayers as I can get right now.

loved

I am truly amazed at the lengths women will go to be noticed and to be loved, myself included.

I strive to be noticed. I hate to be thought of as unattractive or unloved by people. Yet, I'm constantly asking myself why it matters, especially when the God of this universe knows that I am beautiful and loved.

I have one tattoo that has the verse "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you." - Song of Solomon 4:7. I have another tattoo that reads "Beloved". I got both of those tattoos as reminders for God's unending love for me.

But yet I still ache to be seen.


However, I can't help but realize that I am not alone in this.

And all I can say is...stop. God's love is so great. He can be anything you ask Him to be. He can be your daddy, He can be your groom, He can be your best friend. It doesn't matter what television or magazines tell you. It doesn't matter if you're not a model by the world's standards. You're beautiful in God's eyes. We have no one to impress, we only have a God who's love reaches beyond what our feeble minds can comprehend.

No human love will ever fully satisfy you.
This I have learned first hand.

Make some space for the One who deserves it.

in my eyes.

I'm 21 years old. I don't know a lot. I'm not perfect.

But what I do know is that I hate it when parents expect too much. I'm not a parent, so I don't know what it feels like when your child doesn't do what you've told them to do. But I'm a child, and I know what it feels like to have too much expected of me. I'm sure there are areas where I can give a little, but for the most part, I truly believe that I do the best that I possibly can with what I've got. When I was in nursing school I was working 6 days a week, going to school from 7-2 4 days a week, and I was trying to study and spend time with the people I care about. I had a lot on my plate. And while I may not have always been doing something, my mind was constantly working.

My point is...I'm human. And I will disappoint.

We're young and we shouldn't be expected to drop everything for our parent's needs. Maybe I'm being selfish. I understand that we should honor our mothers and fathers, which is fine. But I feel like there should also be a level of understanding sent our way. It's a two way street. And just because we don't do something in our parent's timing doesn't mean we're doing it out of spite or out of laziness. It might just be because as college students there is so much that is at stake. There's so much laying on our shoulders already.

I just want parents to step back and try to consider what it is we might be feeling, too. I also want parents to stop trying to control their kid's choices. I'm 21, I'm an adult. I still need my parents to a certain extent, but I don't want my parents to tell me how it is I should do something. I want to do things and learn by myself. Because that's what it means to gain experience. I look to God for guidance in my life. I ask God what he wants me to do. I don't need that voice in the back of my head trying to control every decision I make.

If you can't tell...I'm kind of angry right now. And I needed to get that out in writing before I exploded. I apologize for the rant.

I feel like I've been in a haze these past few days, maybe even for the past few weeks. Everything has been happening all at once and so quickly that I can hardly keep up. I'll be finished with school next week, and while this is amazingly exciting, I feel somewhat nostalgic. I don't think I can even begin to express everything that's happened over the past 14 months. Not just because of nursing school, but because life is hard. And because life is beautiful. I've done things I regret and things I wish I could do again.

I guess I feel this way because although I've been through plenty in the past, this time has been different. Different in a way I'm not not sure how to explain. 

Now I have 4 days of school left and I'm starting to realize that I have real life choices to make. I have a career ahead of me. I have decisions to make that I've never had to make before. And I'm terrified.

I guess sometimes I feel as though I'm fighting this fight all alone. 

But I know that I'm not.

In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says, "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

I'm trusting that God will be my universe.

two left feet.

I was driving up US 19 when out of the corner of my eye I saw a large truck drifting into the lane that a motorcyclist was riding in. My heart skipped a beat and immediately I thought to myself how angry I would be if he'd done that to me. And just as I was thinking that, the motorcyclist threw his hands up in the air and yelled angrily at the truck. A natural reaction, right? Not so much.

As soon as I saw how the man on the motorcycle reacted and thought of what my own reaction would have been, my heart filled with guilt. How many times have I done the same as that man? How many times have I literally cursed at the person who made the mistake of drifting into my lane or committing some other wrong on the road? I have let my flesh take control of my actions more times than I can count. And not just in traffic.

Even now as I write this, my mind is trying to convince me that it's only a natural reaction to almost being slammed into by another car. But I know that it's not. I believe that when James says "But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger..." he wrote it for times similar to that. It doesn't matter what it is, we must be humble and slow to anger in all that we do. No matter how big or how small.

Not to mention, aren't we being hypocrites when we explode in anger at that "stupid driver"? Yes. Because guess what...I don't care who you are or where you're from, you've done it too. Good Lord....I slammed into the back of my best friend's car and totaled both of our cars. How's that for hypocrisy?

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Why are we so quick to judge others when we ourselves are guilty as charged?

In Psalm 37:8 David says, "Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing."

Stop being angry, start giving it to God.

straight to you

From the time I started preschool to the time I was almost 20 years old, I was on a mission to find love. I kid you not, my first crush was when I went to Lakeside Christian School for preschool when I was only 4 years old. Obviously I didn't understand what it meant to love someone or even to like someone at that age, but I knew I fancied that little boy named Eric in one way or another.

My mom started dating my dad when she was 16 years old, so for some reason I got it into my head that that was the age I would start dating guys. I figured that if she could do it then so could I. Looking back on it now, I wish I would have just waited it out. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly be ready for a serious relationship at that age. I know I wasn't. And that is evidenced by what seems to be a never-ending list of guys I've kissed and hearts I've broken.

I don't regret it, though. Not anymore, at least. I used to beat myself up over the fact that I had done so many stupid things, been in so many relationships. Sometimes they weren't even relationships, they were just hook-ups, if you will. But everything I went through taught me something I never would have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

And then there's Micah. I don't think anyone thought I was serious when I started dating Micah. I don't even think I thought I was serious. It all happened so fast and I literally didn't tell anyone about him. I had sworn just weeks before I met him that I wouldn't be dating anyone for a long time to come. But then he came along and then there I was...in another relationship. I broke up with him twice, which was a pattern I was used to following with guys. Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, and so on. But I thank God that he gave Micah the ability to forgive me long enough to take me back both times. Because he is the most amazing man in the entire world. He places my needs above his own, sacrifices his time and money for me constantly, and respects me unlike anyone I've ever known. No, we don't have the perfect relationship, but it's enough to make me want to see his face each and every single day. Even a year and a half later. I wouldn't trade a single thing in the world for the love that I have for him. And I can only pray that he will one day be the one I call my husband.

When I look at what I have right now, everything I went through was completely worth it. God is gracious and He has provided me with more than enough.

gossip

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." -Ephesians 4:29


The past couple of days have been eye opening in a way. I've always known that I've had a problem with gossip. I'm so quick to hear something about someone else that I believe is interesting and pass it on to the next person. But for what reason? To make myself look better and to make that person look like a fool?

In Leviticus 19:16 it says, "You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor; I am the LORD." What powerful words. Just the fact that He ended that with "I am the LORD," is enough to send chills down my spine. He meant what He was saying.

Not only have I noticed this in myself, but other people have noticed it, too, and have brought it to my attention. Now that's enough to make my heart stop. I'm supposed to be living like Christ. And no, I'm not exempt from sinning, but I want people to know that I'm not like the rest of the world. For me to go around slandering the names of other people is exactly the opposite of what God would want for me to do.

It's time for a change. Leave it to God to turn something crappy into something better.