straight to you

From the time I started preschool to the time I was almost 20 years old, I was on a mission to find love. I kid you not, my first crush was when I went to Lakeside Christian School for preschool when I was only 4 years old. Obviously I didn't understand what it meant to love someone or even to like someone at that age, but I knew I fancied that little boy named Eric in one way or another.

My mom started dating my dad when she was 16 years old, so for some reason I got it into my head that that was the age I would start dating guys. I figured that if she could do it then so could I. Looking back on it now, I wish I would have just waited it out. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly be ready for a serious relationship at that age. I know I wasn't. And that is evidenced by what seems to be a never-ending list of guys I've kissed and hearts I've broken.

I don't regret it, though. Not anymore, at least. I used to beat myself up over the fact that I had done so many stupid things, been in so many relationships. Sometimes they weren't even relationships, they were just hook-ups, if you will. But everything I went through taught me something I never would have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

And then there's Micah. I don't think anyone thought I was serious when I started dating Micah. I don't even think I thought I was serious. It all happened so fast and I literally didn't tell anyone about him. I had sworn just weeks before I met him that I wouldn't be dating anyone for a long time to come. But then he came along and then there I was...in another relationship. I broke up with him twice, which was a pattern I was used to following with guys. Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, and so on. But I thank God that he gave Micah the ability to forgive me long enough to take me back both times. Because he is the most amazing man in the entire world. He places my needs above his own, sacrifices his time and money for me constantly, and respects me unlike anyone I've ever known. No, we don't have the perfect relationship, but it's enough to make me want to see his face each and every single day. Even a year and a half later. I wouldn't trade a single thing in the world for the love that I have for him. And I can only pray that he will one day be the one I call my husband.

When I look at what I have right now, everything I went through was completely worth it. God is gracious and He has provided me with more than enough.

gossip

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." -Ephesians 4:29


The past couple of days have been eye opening in a way. I've always known that I've had a problem with gossip. I'm so quick to hear something about someone else that I believe is interesting and pass it on to the next person. But for what reason? To make myself look better and to make that person look like a fool?

In Leviticus 19:16 it says, "You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor; I am the LORD." What powerful words. Just the fact that He ended that with "I am the LORD," is enough to send chills down my spine. He meant what He was saying.

Not only have I noticed this in myself, but other people have noticed it, too, and have brought it to my attention. Now that's enough to make my heart stop. I'm supposed to be living like Christ. And no, I'm not exempt from sinning, but I want people to know that I'm not like the rest of the world. For me to go around slandering the names of other people is exactly the opposite of what God would want for me to do.

It's time for a change. Leave it to God to turn something crappy into something better.

wish

Today has been a long day.

I'm drinking bad coffee because I'm lacking all energy. I was stuck at a hospital for 6 and a half hours, and now I'm working. Well, attempting to. I've been playing the song Wish by Brian Littrell on repeat for a grand total of about 6 hours between work yesterday and work today. If you're interested in seeing what the song is all about, then check it out here. Don't be so quick to dismiss it just because the singer is a former Backstreet Boy. The first time I heard it, I cried my eyes out. I don't know why, I just constantly disregard the greatness of the Lord and King that came to die for me, and when I hear songs like this, it's a rude awakening.

There was a period of a few months where I started to doubt my salvation. I kept thinking to myself, "Why would I continue to live like such a sinner if Christ lives in my heart?" Not to mention, I was saved at such a young age. I started to wonder if I'd ever understood what salvation really meant when I asked for God to come into my heart. I struggled with this for too long, and I was too afraid to seek any help, afraid that I would lose my membership at church or that people would look at me differently. But finally one morning I woke up and it weighed so heavily on my heart that I fell to my knees and prayed. And it's funny because in all that time that I was doubting whether I was saved or not, there was not a single time that I had stopped to pray about it. I continued to silently dwell on it, completely tortured. But that was all it took, for me to pour out my heart to the Lord.

I feel like I underestimate His power. But I could go on for days telling you about all the things He's done for me, how blessed I am to be His child, how grateful I am for the life He's provided for me. The fact that He chose me out of millions and billions of people to follow after Him amazes me day after day. He lived a perfect life, but He was still put to death. It was what He chose to do, absolutely. But regardless, it's a reminder of the evil nature of our human hearts.

Needless to say, I've come to terms with the fact that I am as much of a sinner as anyone else in this world. God was just merciful and gracious enough to wrap me up in His arms and steal my heart. Each day is a battle, for every single one of us, but we must fight to the death. If Christ was willing to die for our sins, we should be willing to sacrifice everything for Him.

I cannot wait to see His face.
I only wish I could have been there to see Him when He walked this earth.