wish

Today has been a long day.

I'm drinking bad coffee because I'm lacking all energy. I was stuck at a hospital for 6 and a half hours, and now I'm working. Well, attempting to. I've been playing the song Wish by Brian Littrell on repeat for a grand total of about 6 hours between work yesterday and work today. If you're interested in seeing what the song is all about, then check it out here. Don't be so quick to dismiss it just because the singer is a former Backstreet Boy. The first time I heard it, I cried my eyes out. I don't know why, I just constantly disregard the greatness of the Lord and King that came to die for me, and when I hear songs like this, it's a rude awakening.

There was a period of a few months where I started to doubt my salvation. I kept thinking to myself, "Why would I continue to live like such a sinner if Christ lives in my heart?" Not to mention, I was saved at such a young age. I started to wonder if I'd ever understood what salvation really meant when I asked for God to come into my heart. I struggled with this for too long, and I was too afraid to seek any help, afraid that I would lose my membership at church or that people would look at me differently. But finally one morning I woke up and it weighed so heavily on my heart that I fell to my knees and prayed. And it's funny because in all that time that I was doubting whether I was saved or not, there was not a single time that I had stopped to pray about it. I continued to silently dwell on it, completely tortured. But that was all it took, for me to pour out my heart to the Lord.

I feel like I underestimate His power. But I could go on for days telling you about all the things He's done for me, how blessed I am to be His child, how grateful I am for the life He's provided for me. The fact that He chose me out of millions and billions of people to follow after Him amazes me day after day. He lived a perfect life, but He was still put to death. It was what He chose to do, absolutely. But regardless, it's a reminder of the evil nature of our human hearts.

Needless to say, I've come to terms with the fact that I am as much of a sinner as anyone else in this world. God was just merciful and gracious enough to wrap me up in His arms and steal my heart. Each day is a battle, for every single one of us, but we must fight to the death. If Christ was willing to die for our sins, we should be willing to sacrifice everything for Him.

I cannot wait to see His face.
I only wish I could have been there to see Him when He walked this earth.