wish

Today has been a long day.

I'm drinking bad coffee because I'm lacking all energy. I was stuck at a hospital for 6 and a half hours, and now I'm working. Well, attempting to. I've been playing the song Wish by Brian Littrell on repeat for a grand total of about 6 hours between work yesterday and work today. If you're interested in seeing what the song is all about, then check it out here. Don't be so quick to dismiss it just because the singer is a former Backstreet Boy. The first time I heard it, I cried my eyes out. I don't know why, I just constantly disregard the greatness of the Lord and King that came to die for me, and when I hear songs like this, it's a rude awakening.

There was a period of a few months where I started to doubt my salvation. I kept thinking to myself, "Why would I continue to live like such a sinner if Christ lives in my heart?" Not to mention, I was saved at such a young age. I started to wonder if I'd ever understood what salvation really meant when I asked for God to come into my heart. I struggled with this for too long, and I was too afraid to seek any help, afraid that I would lose my membership at church or that people would look at me differently. But finally one morning I woke up and it weighed so heavily on my heart that I fell to my knees and prayed. And it's funny because in all that time that I was doubting whether I was saved or not, there was not a single time that I had stopped to pray about it. I continued to silently dwell on it, completely tortured. But that was all it took, for me to pour out my heart to the Lord.

I feel like I underestimate His power. But I could go on for days telling you about all the things He's done for me, how blessed I am to be His child, how grateful I am for the life He's provided for me. The fact that He chose me out of millions and billions of people to follow after Him amazes me day after day. He lived a perfect life, but He was still put to death. It was what He chose to do, absolutely. But regardless, it's a reminder of the evil nature of our human hearts.

Needless to say, I've come to terms with the fact that I am as much of a sinner as anyone else in this world. God was just merciful and gracious enough to wrap me up in His arms and steal my heart. Each day is a battle, for every single one of us, but we must fight to the death. If Christ was willing to die for our sins, we should be willing to sacrifice everything for Him.

I cannot wait to see His face.
I only wish I could have been there to see Him when He walked this earth.

painful pleas

Sometimes I feel like I'm a ship lost at sea. When the waters start to thrash and tear apart my ship, I lose my balance and I feel as if there's no way I'll ever beat the storm. When the water is calm, I have hope that I'll find my way home, back to where I started. But the stormy seas are far more pressing and discouraging than those moments of ease when the sun's encouragement reflects off the surface off the water.

For years I've been wrestling inside of myself. I've been struggling to keep my head above water. I have depended on my flesh to save me from my pain for so long. Unfortunately, it has done nothing for me but cause me more pain and bitterness than I started with.

I wish I could say that my life has been easy. I wish I could say that I hadn't brought most of my trials upon myself. But I can't say that because then I would be lying.

The circumstances I was thrust into at birth were the circumstances that God placed me in, I know that. And I've come to accept it, no matter how painful they may be. From the moment I first had an inkling of what it meant to love and to be loved, I took off on an adventure to find it. I was saved at 9 because I knew that the only true love I'd ever find would be God's. I wanted (even at 9) to be with Him in heaven forever and to do whatever He asked of me. When I was little, I truly believed that my family was doomed for hell. And I don't know what made me believe that, but I remember that I would cry to God every night to save them. I think it mostly stemmed from reading the Left Behind books, but I was sincerely concerned for their eternal destination. I followed God wholeheartedly as a kid, all the way through middle school, and into the beginning of high school. I say the beginning of high school because my remaining years of high school were not only horrendous, but mostly a blur in my memory. To start with, I was quiet, reserved, and different from everyone else. People noticed I was different and called me perfect, told me they wished they could be as innocent as I was. And then I let myself get caught up in what everyone else was doing. I let myself think that true love could be found only through another human being. I believed that with all of my heart. I went from guy to guy to guy to guy...and the list goes on. I had never experienced so much pain in my life. I allowed myself to hurt and to be hurt more times than I can even begin to count. I think the majority of my pain came from knowing that I was saved and failing miserably at being an example to the world. It wasn't until I met Kyle that everything came together and then shattered into a million tiny, little pieces. He was controlling, cruel, vile, disgusting, everything I never wanted. Not only did I let him destroy the innocence I had worked so hard to preserve, but he opened up my eyes to a tragic story that had been unfolding right in front of my eyes since birth. I had never known anything different than what was right in front of me until Kyle. I became bitter towards my father because he was my father and not my daddy. He started to look a lot like Kyle, unfortunately. I remember in my earlier years of life he was great, but something happened somewhere along the way, and everything fell apart. I don't know when and I don't know why. But I do know that my flesh started longing for a daddy that would protect me, love me, call me sweetheart, tell me I was beautiful, make me feel like a princess, and take care of me through the hardest points in my life. I wanted it because I never had it. I fought all by myself through all those years. I cried out for help, but no one took the time to see it until it was already too late. And again, I know these situations were my own doing, but I guess I just wanted my dad to save me. Material things are great for a moment, but they don't replace real love. They don't replace anything but empty space. I wanted more than anything for him to just notice. But he didn't and for a long time I resented him for it. I resented both of my parents for it.

But the real point of all of this is to say that no one on earth will ever satisfy your needs. Tonight I read a verse in 2 Samuel 12:24. It says, "Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him." When I read that last line, I lost it. God loved him. God loves me. When I have the love of God, how could I possibly need the love of anyone else? Knowing that God has that kind of love for me makes me cry my eyes out each and every time I think about it. I can't tell you how many times I have lost my faith in God. I can't tell you how many times I have failed Him. But God loves us, despite our sinful nature. God is my daddy, he's the one who saved me from all those things I brought upon myself. I never needed to depend on my family or friends, I needed to depend on God. I needed His love.

Never again will I put my faith in the human race. My help comes from the Lord.

"The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug."

Do you know what I've realized? I've realized that this world is a selfish, selfish world. I've realized that we live in our comfortable homes while there are men fighting a war, risking their lives each and every single day. Who are we to complain? Really, who are we?

For the past who knows how long I've been pitying myself, wishing that I had more than what I have at this current point in time. But why? I have everything I need. Maybe not everything I want, but everything I need. We don't always get what we want when we want it. That's just life. And I've come to realize that although it's worked like that for me in the past, it won't always be that way. Especially now that I'm getting older. I'm the most impatient person I know. I guess we're all programmed to think that things should work a certain way. The world we live in tells us that we can have what we want at the very precise moment that we desire it. Which in a way, is true. If something doesn't happen the way we want it to, if that guy in front of you in line in the grocery store forgets that he needed milk, you get pissed. Because it's not fast enough for you. If that person driving in front of you is going 2 miles an hour under what's acceptable for you, you get pissed. But the thing is, things never turn out the way we think it will when we try to rush through things. You get angry, so you find a different line in the grocery store and end up stuck behind someone who's credit card doesn't work right. You get angry, so you get out from behind that person who's not going fast enough and crash into the car in front of you. There's a reason they tell us that patience is a virtue.

It makes me sick when I think about the terrible world we live in. Granted, I love everything that God has created. But I hate what satan has done to His beautiful work, His beautiful people. I hate that we can't take a step back and look at everything we do have. Instead we look at everything we don't have and we only want more. What about the people who have nothing? Do we ever stop to imagine what it would be like not to be able to sleep in your own bed? Do we ever stop to think how it might feel to have to sleep in a small hut and not a real house? No, we don't.

What kind of world do we live in?

A sad one.

I cried when I was born and every day shows why.

"There are only two things that pierce the human heart, wrote Simon Weil. One is beauty. The other is affliction. And while we wish there were only beauty in the world, each of us has known enough pain to raise serious doubts about the universe we live in. From very early in life we know another message, warning us that the Romance has an enemy. The psalmist speaks of this enemy and tells us we need not fear it:

He will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day. (Ps. 91:3-5)

Yet we cannot deny that the Arrows have struck us all, sometimes arriving in the hail of projectiles that blocked out the sun, and other times descending in more subtle flight that only let us know we were wounded years later, when the wound festered and broke.

...At some point we all face the same decision--what will we do with the Arrows we've known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you've handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?

To say we all face a decision when we're pierced by an Arrow is misleading. It makes the process sound so rational, as though we have the option of coolly assessing the situation and choosing a logical response. Life isn't like that--the heart cannot be managed in a detached sort of way (certainly not when we are young, when some of the most defining Arrows strike). It feels more like an ambush and our response is at a gut level. We may never put words to it. Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul. Commitments form never to be in that position again, never to know that sort of pain again. The result is an approach to life that we often call our personality. If you'll listen carefully to your life, you may begin to see how it has been shaped by the unique Arrows you've known and the particular convictions you've embraced as a result."

-The Sacred Romance

He will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

To me this verse embodies the love that Christ has for us. He will fight our battles if we surrender to Him. He loves us enough to allow us to cast our cares upon Him. And that's exactly what I've been struggling with--surrendering to Him. When I read this verse all I see is God standing tall in front of me as a wave comes crashing down all around. I see Him hold out His hand in front of us and create a tunnel, so that not even a drop of water can touch my skin.

God placed us on this earth so that we could enjoy Him and everything that He has to offer us. He doesn't want us to live in pain, to fall under the pressure of life, or to even shed a tear. He wants us to bask in the glory that we as sinners don't deserve for even a second. Jesus wants to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).

But can you see where I stand in awe? Not only did our Savior give His life to give us an eternal place in heaven, but He still wants to give us more. As if His life wasn't enough!

The more I get into the Word, the more I understand the love of my Father. I could never ask for anything more. Thank you, Jesus.

twothousandand10

The start of 2010 has been absolutely wonderful. The perfect way to start out a new year. And I'm praying that this is foreshadowing of what's to come. 2009 was a rough year for me, but it gave me a hope and an understanding that I didn't have before.

I want this year to be different. I want it to be the path that leads me to where I need to be. Last year I went through a relationship that not only helped me realize how horribly wrong I was about many things, but it also helped me to finally see that I can't do anything on my own. It's also given me the strength to resist the temptations that I so easily fell for in the past. But God is the one who has given me that strength. He's the one who's blessed me with the life that I live. Trial is bound to come, but I know that through Him my life will be that much more joyful, even through hard times. This year is a year of new beginnings. Time is passing me by and I refuse to waste it.